Standing Between the Living and the Dead

There’s an amazing story from the book of Numbers, which is the fourth of 66 books that comprise the Bible. In it the children of Israel were murmuring and complaining and the Lord decided He’d had enough and was going to wipe out this ungrateful and stubborn people. As a plague began to spread, Moses, the leader of the band of people instructed his chief priest Aaron to go out into the middle of the people and make a sacrifice to the Lord. There, in the midst of this race of people, where Aaron took his stand, the plague ceased. Aaron literally stood between the living and the dead that day. All who were before Aaron in the throng of people died, over 14,000 of them. All who came after Aaron were spared.

Why do I share this story?. Because I am aware that many of us as parents, especially dads, have the same opportunity to stand between the living and the dead. Recently I’ve had conversations with a couple different men, friends of mine, who were raised by alcoholic, abusive men. Their dads were just not so great at being a good role model and showing their own sons what it means to be a man of honor, strength, character and worth. In fact these men, not only had less than ideal dads, turns out that before them, were generations of fathers who instead of passing on traditions of love, acceptance, forgiveness, passed on their own hurt, fears, inadequacies and insecurities. The abuse and neglect went back several generations. So what did these friends of mine do? Somewhere along the journey of their life, they made a choice to be like Aaron and stand between the living and the dead. They chose to say, “I will break the curse, the tradition of failure that I inherited. And I will begin a new tradition, a tradition of blessing my children, of loving them unconditionally and honoring their worth.” Wow! Maybe you are a dad (or mom) who was not raised by Ozzie and Harriet. Your own childhood was marred and scarred by a less than ideal parent. So what will you do with that loss and pain? Will you pass it on? Why not? Society expects you to. I mean, nobody would blame you for being a dysfunctional parent knowing the dysfunctional childhood you experienced. But thank God that with His help, each of us can make a choice. Each of us can choose to break the generational curse of abuse and neglect and choose to live our lives as an offering to God, standing between the living and the dead, so that our children, and their children, and their children’s children, can inherit a heritage of blessing, love, acceptance, forgiveness and joy.

Being "Present"

There’s a lot of great things about technology…I mean I’m not sure how guys survived before television sets came with a remote control (aka: a clicker). My wife says the most stupid question she ever gets asked at our house is “Where’s the clicker?” “Like I would ever get my hands on that thing living in a house with four testosterone-laden creatures?” she says. And don’t get me started on how cool is the DVR. I’m sure my sons wonder how they managed life before text messaging, Skype and IM-ing. Of course dear old dad is still back in the dark ages sending e-mails all day long. But with all the hype about how the millennial generation can multi-task, you know do homework while playing Xbox 360 while texting friends, there’s a problem. Nobody is really paying attention to each other. We are all tuning in to conversations at some partial level…just enough to get by. It’s like reading the Spark notes to a great novel rather than enjoying the real thing. We are losing the art of “being present”. You know, really tuning in to each other. Listening not just to the words spoken but reading the body language and hearing beyond the words. Having that level of discernment that goes deeper than face value. I think it’s hurting our families. I’m guilty of it. I think I’m listening but then can’t recall five minutes later what was said. Truth be told, I looked like I was listening, but I was really thinking ahead to what I needed to do or say next. I’m not being present with my kids. They know it too. I certainly can tell when they are tuning me out. It’s a bad habit and grown ups and kids are all doing it. What can we do about it? I mean, technology seems to be pushing to live faster, handle more distractions and get more done. But in the end, we are still relationship creatures. We were made to love and to feel deeply. We are designed to respond to one another, be sensitive to one another and to spend time with one another.

So my suggestion is to make the tomorrow to spend just 15 minutes with each child, not thinking about work or chores or dinner but totally focusing on your child. Maybe you’re talking. Maybe you’re doing a puzzle or shooting hoops. But do it together. And do only one thing at a time, not three. Whatever you do together make sure it doesn’t involve something electronic…which rules out movies, television and computer games. Do something where you have to look into your child’s face and give them an occasional squeeze. Be present with them.

Teaching Your Kids to Fail Forward

Everyone fails. Everyone falls off the proverbial horse at one time or another. What makes the difference between having your failures be a positive experience and a negative one has everything to do with how we fail. And how you fail has everything to do with your attitude about failure. If you see failure as a sign of weakness, of inadequacy or incompetence and not measuring up, you will be embarrassed by failure. You’ll resent it and do anything possible to cover it up and avoid admitting to it. On the other hand, if you see failure as a gift, then you are more likely to benefit from your failure. You will fail forward. Failing forward can be a wonderful aspect of our lives. Experiencing failure refines us, teaches us character, helps us gain wisdom and knowledge, increases our endurance and resilience, makes us stronger.

How do we teach these principles to our kids? Good question. I was playing B-ball with my sons over the Memorial Day weekend. I noticed that when Jason made a bad pass or threw up a wild shot, the first thing out of his mouth was to blame his teammate for not being where he was supposed to be to receive the pass or “Why didn’t you grab the rebound”. Hmmm. Not good. Something inside Jason struggles with handling failure. It’s an area I recognize where I need to encourage him and work with him. I don’t have it figured out how best to address this. (I’m open to your suggestions). I’m pretty sure giving him a lecture on how to “fail forward” won’t cut it. I know I need to start by examining my own life. Is Jason picking up something he sees me do? I don’t think so but shame on me if I don’t check to see if there are any logs in my own eyes before I hunt for specks in his. I suspect a better approach to giving him what he calls a “Sunday school lesson” will be to ask questions, see if I can’t find out the attitudes and fears that may fuel how he handles failure. I know the more self-confidence a person has, the more that person knows they are totally and completely loved and accepted by God (and by their parents) the easier it is to embrace failure for the good it can bring. Well, I don’t have all the answers on this one but I recognize the problem and I’m committed to getting involved and not just saying “Oh well, not my problem”. How do you handle failure? More importantly how have you been able to teach your children about the gift of failing forward. I’m happy to learn from you.

What the Media Seems to Get That We Sometimes Miss - Dads

This afternoon I just watched the movie 10,000BC. I know, I know, it’s not the stuff of War and Peace and it’s not likely to win an Oscar. But hey, it’s my kind of movie, the good guys win, bad guys lose and in the end, the guy gets the girl. As the story goes, a young hunter from a small tribe is raised up to lead his people, and several other tribes against a cruel tribe that has been capturing and enslaving the other tribes. This young man’s father was a tribal leader but left the tribe when the young hunter was just a boy. Rumor was that the father was a coward and had abandoned his tribe. In truth however he was a great leader and left for noble reasons. Throughout this young warrior’s life, he was limited, even cursed by the image he held of his father. When the young man came to discover the truth about his dad, that his dad was in fact a noble warrior and leader, the young man was empowered. There was a great line in the movie where an older tribal leader looked the young man in the eye and said, “Go be like your father!”

See, even the movie makers seem to understand the power of a father image. Psychologists, counselors and therapists certainly understand this…heck they make their living off of people who struggle with their own self-image due to the absence of a father or perhaps the presence of a dad growing up that wasn’t there emotionally. Fathers make or break their sons and daughters. At least that is far too often the case. Yet the culture wants to play down the incredible importance of a strong father who is actively involved in his children’s life. No offense to Rosie O’Donnell and other celebs who decide to raise a child without a dad in the picture. But kids need a dad. Certainly there are millions of single moms out there who would give anything to have a dad active in their children’s lives. Our hats and hearts go out to them. But I’m not writing to those who don’t have a dad in the picture as if to somehow make them feel bad. God says He will be a Father to the fatherless. No, I’m writing to dads…as a reminder that you have this amazing opportunity to have that significant, meaningful life you so desire. It doesn’t come from how much money you make or how many people you have reporting to you…It comes from you being there for your kids. It comes from you not giving up on yourself or them. It comes from you being consistent in loving your sons and daughters not just when they bring home “A’s” but when they’re sassy or wreck the family car or fail to pick up their room or strike out even in T-Ball. So go ahead, be the kind of man, the kind of father that people will want to turn to your children and say, “Be like your father.”

Open Another Door-Allowing your child's spirit to soar

I was speaking at a conference recently and ran into a good friend of mine, Jean Thomason. Jean has a particular passion to see parents of preschoolers get the tools they need to effectively raise their little ones. Jean has a delightful character she portrays on a series of CD’s and DVD’s called “Miss Pattycake”. Jean and I were talking and she began to share with me the story of a distraught mom whose child was not sleeping through the night. The little girl kept waking up with bad dreams. It’s not an uncommon situation. My friend shared with the mom, “You know, there is more than one way to reach a child.” Curious, the frantic mom asked what she meant. Jean proceeded to share with her the importance of not only reaching and instructing a child through their mind, their intellect, but also their spirits.

Most often we think about impacting a child by training their minds. The success of Baby Einstein products gives testimony to the eagerness that most parents have to want to educate their children well, to prepare them to succeed in life and reach their potential. Nothing wrong with this of course. However, one of the amazing things about being made in the image of God, which is something unique to human beings, is that there’s more to us that mere flesh and bone. Beyond synaptic nerve endings and electrical stimuli, there is a mystical, magical aspect to our nature. Call it our soul, call it our spirit. Whatever you call it, it’s the part of us that was made to connect with the divine. It’s what makes us truly human. An just as our bodies need to grow and be exercised, our minds need to be challenged and trained, so does our spirit. Anyway, my friend Jean gave this woman one of her lullaby CD’s that she recorded specifically to provide children with a way to encourage their spirits and to draw them closer to the One who is Spirit and who divinely created each of us. Long story short, the woman e-mailed Jean a short while later exclaiming how her daughter hasn’t had a nightmare since and has been sleeping soundly through the night. In training our children, be aware of the importance of training not just their minds but their spirits as well.