If you watch TV during the late night or early morning hours and are essentially ADD when it comes to clicking channels on the remote, you’ll see countless examples of “paid programming”. You know, the 30 minute infomercial shows led by some slender, buff young person promising you a hot, sexy bod in less than 30 days. But common sense tells you that there is no magic fat-burning pill. There is no painless exercise machine that in just 5 minutes a day will give you a magazine cover physique.
So it is with parenting. There is no magic formula that makes you an ideal mom or perfect dad. In truth, good parenting is hard work. It takes effort and consistency. But yet, there are some simple things you can do as a parent that can make a big difference in the heart of your child. One of these things I have discovered is the simple power of blessing your children. What do I mean by that? It’s like imparting some measure of approval, of wisdom or direction into your child’s heart. Throughout ancient history, the patriarch of the family would at some point, impart to their sons, a blessing, sort of like passing on an inheritance. This blessing was so coveted that one young son named Jacob schemed with his mother to steal the blessing from his father that was to be passed on to the older brother Esau. Jacob, a smooth-skinned conniving young man donned goat-skins to make his arms feel hairy so that his father, who was going blind, would feel Jacob’s arms and think that he was blessing Jacob’s older, hairier brother Esau.
So what does blessing your child look like today in the 21st century? Well here’s how it has worked for me. Each morning, I make a point of driving my sons to school rather than having them take the bus. I enjoyed having this brief morning time with them, even though they aren’t particularly talkative in the morning. Before they hop out of the car, I lay my hand on their shoulder and bless them for the day. My blessing isn't just a “Hey, have a nice day.” Nor is it a long-winded prayer. Rather it was an opportunity for me to speak something into and over their lives that I believe is part of God’s purpose and destiny for them. For example, I might say to my son Jason, “Jason, today I bless you with leadership, that you would be the leader I know God has called you to be. That when the opportunity arises, you will stand up for what is right even if that’s not cool or popular, that you will influence others in a positive way, by how you talk, think and act.” I would impart this blessing of leadership because being a leader is something I believe God has shown me that He is calling Jason to be. So, I am agreeing with God about a promise, a direction that I think He has for my son Jason.
I’ve done this daily blessing over the years for each of my sons and I believe it’s had an impact on their lives. I’ve noticed that if we are driving in the car and the radio is on, if we approach the school and I have not given them their blessing yet, they might actually turn the radio off, as if making sure I don’t forget to bless them. Any teenager who turns off the radio for any reason is an act of God anyway. But it shows me that my blessing is important to them. I suspect that as they get older and have kids of their own, they will look back and appreciate the power of my blessing them on a regular basis. Try it and see what happens.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Not Everybody Loves Raymond
Recently I’ve been watching re-runs of the show “Everybody Loves Raymond” which runs on the TBS cable channel here in Orlando. It’s a funny show. And while I enjoy watching it, I find myself getting mad at the TV screen several times throughout an episode. (not a truly rational behavior, I know) Why you ask? Well I guess I get ticked off at what a bad father the character Ray plays. No he's not "bad" in in an axe murderer sort of way. He’s just always avoiding any responsibility to lead his children, set a good example for them and stand up for his family and his wife, against the constant meddling of his mother. I mean, geeze. The show is funny but unfortunately the parenting strategy and values that show puts forth are horrible, even though it’s a reasonably clean show without a lot of trashy sexual innuendo and violent behavior. Then I consider how many other television shows have men with similar characters, where the lead male in the house is basically a dork. Consider Still Standing or King of Queens with Kevin James, (who’s a really funny guy if you ask me). Why do these shows bug me? I guess because I realize how comfortable Hollywood has become at portraying men in a way that “de-masculinizes” them. How are young boys and girls for that matter going to grow up with a clear understanding of how a man should act?
What do I want to see when I talk about portraying a positive male role model in the media? I guess I’m looking for examples of men who act like I want my own sons to act. Men who are strong, courageous, willing to take risks. Men who dream big dreams, who stand up for truth and justice. Men who don’t pick fights but who don’t run from them either. Men who live to not rule over their wives and kids but serve them…and yet while serving them are not afraid to exert leadership an authority in a way that makes a household thrive. Where are these examples in the media, in our culture today?
I think it would be awesome if the media gave us lots of positive examples of strong husbands and fathers. That would be great. And certainly there are some great examples out there. You just have to look for them. But the most critical example of what a strong, godly man looks like needs to come from you and me. As a father, you have to be the ultimate example that your kids want to emulate. Truth is, you are setting an example whether you like it or not. The only questions is whether or not you are setting a good one. You do your job well and the rest of the world can put forth all kinds of trashy examples of what it means to be an excellent father and husband. Your kids can see all sorts of mediocre to poor examples of a dad and it will make the bar you have set for your own life look that much higher. You will be that much more of the hero and standard that your kids will set for themselves. Am I putting too much pressure on you to perform? I don’t think so. I certainly am no superstar of a husband and father, though I hope my wife and kids would beg to differ. Men like a challenge. So before you spend too much time focusing on things like lowering your golf score or winning your Fantasy Football pool, step back and ask yourself if you are being the kind of husband and father that you are capable of being. It will make all the difference in the world to your kids.
What do I want to see when I talk about portraying a positive male role model in the media? I guess I’m looking for examples of men who act like I want my own sons to act. Men who are strong, courageous, willing to take risks. Men who dream big dreams, who stand up for truth and justice. Men who don’t pick fights but who don’t run from them either. Men who live to not rule over their wives and kids but serve them…and yet while serving them are not afraid to exert leadership an authority in a way that makes a household thrive. Where are these examples in the media, in our culture today?
I think it would be awesome if the media gave us lots of positive examples of strong husbands and fathers. That would be great. And certainly there are some great examples out there. You just have to look for them. But the most critical example of what a strong, godly man looks like needs to come from you and me. As a father, you have to be the ultimate example that your kids want to emulate. Truth is, you are setting an example whether you like it or not. The only questions is whether or not you are setting a good one. You do your job well and the rest of the world can put forth all kinds of trashy examples of what it means to be an excellent father and husband. Your kids can see all sorts of mediocre to poor examples of a dad and it will make the bar you have set for your own life look that much higher. You will be that much more of the hero and standard that your kids will set for themselves. Am I putting too much pressure on you to perform? I don’t think so. I certainly am no superstar of a husband and father, though I hope my wife and kids would beg to differ. Men like a challenge. So before you spend too much time focusing on things like lowering your golf score or winning your Fantasy Football pool, step back and ask yourself if you are being the kind of husband and father that you are capable of being. It will make all the difference in the world to your kids.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Making Your Home a Haven not a Hornet’s Nest
Recently the news media has been all over this poor 22 year old mom, Casey Anthony, who is suspected of having killed her three year old daughter Caylee. She was in jail, then out of jail, back in jail and now out again. I can’t imagine what was going on in that household. I’m certainly not here to judge. I don’t know all the facts. But the whole mess is a sad indication that for so many kids these days, home is no longer a place of safety, a haven where a child can grow up feeling loved and feeling safe, secure and affirmed.
Seems that in our pursuit of the American dream, our clamor for more and more things, we wind up piling on more debt. With that debt comes an overwhelming pressure that cracks and sometimes destroys families. We wind up working longer hours that take away precious moments with our kids. We need to stop, take a deep breath and just listen to them. We need to show genuine interest in them and what they are into. Kids don’t need material “stuff” nearly as much as you think they do. They need time with you. They need to know that they are an important part of what makes your family amazing and special. Don't let them become just a financial burden that you have to bear.
I guarantee that your child will be better off going without an X-Box 360 or a new I-phone if that means having more quality time together as a family. Take some time to play badminton in the back yard or let them learn how to bake cookies with you or help you change the oil in the car. You see, doing things TOGETHER, even simple things like family chores, builds a sense of togetherness, of family, of security and belonging that kids today desperately need. If your home is truly a haven and your relationships are sound, then the pull of peer pressure will be lessened. Of course your children need to spread their social wings and make connections, bonds and friendships outside the home. But if home is a safe place for them. If home is a field of good memories, of caring, of doing things together, oh my, what a huge difference that will make in the heart and psyche of your child. We are seeing a generation of children growing up who have had more material benefits than any previous generation. They are exposed to more opportunity. They have more “stuff”. Yet, so many are emotionally bankrupt, starved for affection and lost. Why? Because home was just a place to go to sleep at night. And in some cases, it was more like a hornet’s nest where the child felt the need to tip-toe through the house not making any waves for fear that a parent, step-parent, live-in or older sibling would suddenly lose their cool and pop off, become emotionally abusive or worse.
I don’t expect us to go back to the days of Andy Griffith and Leave it to Beaver. That’s not reality. But in the midst of our fast-paced, media saturated society where kids are exposed to more and more garbage and bad examples of character at an earlier and earlier age, it is that much more essential that they see a standard at home that is strong, trustworthy, consistent, reliable, loving and safe…a haven of nurturing support that will establish and guide them through their childhood years.
Seems that in our pursuit of the American dream, our clamor for more and more things, we wind up piling on more debt. With that debt comes an overwhelming pressure that cracks and sometimes destroys families. We wind up working longer hours that take away precious moments with our kids. We need to stop, take a deep breath and just listen to them. We need to show genuine interest in them and what they are into. Kids don’t need material “stuff” nearly as much as you think they do. They need time with you. They need to know that they are an important part of what makes your family amazing and special. Don't let them become just a financial burden that you have to bear.
I guarantee that your child will be better off going without an X-Box 360 or a new I-phone if that means having more quality time together as a family. Take some time to play badminton in the back yard or let them learn how to bake cookies with you or help you change the oil in the car. You see, doing things TOGETHER, even simple things like family chores, builds a sense of togetherness, of family, of security and belonging that kids today desperately need. If your home is truly a haven and your relationships are sound, then the pull of peer pressure will be lessened. Of course your children need to spread their social wings and make connections, bonds and friendships outside the home. But if home is a safe place for them. If home is a field of good memories, of caring, of doing things together, oh my, what a huge difference that will make in the heart and psyche of your child. We are seeing a generation of children growing up who have had more material benefits than any previous generation. They are exposed to more opportunity. They have more “stuff”. Yet, so many are emotionally bankrupt, starved for affection and lost. Why? Because home was just a place to go to sleep at night. And in some cases, it was more like a hornet’s nest where the child felt the need to tip-toe through the house not making any waves for fear that a parent, step-parent, live-in or older sibling would suddenly lose their cool and pop off, become emotionally abusive or worse.
I don’t expect us to go back to the days of Andy Griffith and Leave it to Beaver. That’s not reality. But in the midst of our fast-paced, media saturated society where kids are exposed to more and more garbage and bad examples of character at an earlier and earlier age, it is that much more essential that they see a standard at home that is strong, trustworthy, consistent, reliable, loving and safe…a haven of nurturing support that will establish and guide them through their childhood years.