What are you doing with 21% of your life?

The other day I was reading an e-newsletter from a friend of mine, an “etiquette specialist” who trains both business professional and children. Everybody needs to learn proper manners right? Her name is Maralee McKee. In her newsletter, she made reference to a statistic that I had never heard before, and it got me. If the average person lives to be 85 years old, then they will spend about 79% of their lives without their children living at home. For the roughly 18 years that your child lives under your direct care, that’s just 21% of your life. Wow! In our society we all want the “good life”, we want all the toys, all the freedom, all the self-indulgent behavior we can handle…and of course we want it now. The concept of delayed gratification” of saving up for a rainy day, is practically foreign to us. And so, many of us fill up that 21% of life when our kids need to be our primary focus, when they need our focused attention, we fill up that 21% chasing after our own career goals, our own pursuits, sometimes to the neglect and even peril of our children's well being.

I know raising kids is hard work. You make sacrifices to be a parent, lots of them. It’s easy when you are in the throes of juggling work, managing a household, paying bills along with changing diapers, picking up spilled Yoo-Hoo off the family room carpet, trudging off to another T-ball or soccer game, having to figure out a math problem, that you start to ask “What did I get myself into?” or feel the urge to “check out” and simply go shoot hoops or go to the mall. But take a deep breath, back up and remember, you only have a little bit of time to pour yourself into your little one. Think 21%. Before you know it they are gone. You will never get that 21% of your life back. And I promise you, there will be many days ahead when you wish you could. I’ve never heard a successful businessman, politician, movie star or sports hero interviewed on televisions say, “You know, I think I spent too much time with my family. I wish I had devoted more energy to my career.” Nope. If they mention anything at all, it goes something like this, “My one regret is that I wished I would have been there more for my kids.”

So just remember, you’ve got 79% of your life to focus on you. (Well not really but you get my point.) Purpose every day to make 21% of your life really count for your kids. You will never regret it.

The Power of Blessing Your Children

If you watch TV during the late night or early morning hours and are essentially ADD when it comes to clicking channels on the remote, you’ll see countless examples of “paid programming”. You know, the 30 minute infomercial shows led by some slender, buff young person promising you a hot, sexy bod in less than 30 days. But common sense tells you that there is no magic fat-burning pill. There is no painless exercise machine that in just 5 minutes a day will give you a magazine cover physique.

So it is with parenting. There is no magic formula that makes you an ideal mom or perfect dad. In truth, good parenting is hard work. It takes effort and consistency. But yet, there are some simple things you can do as a parent that can make a big difference in the heart of your child. One of these things I have discovered is the simple power of blessing your children. What do I mean by that? It’s like imparting some measure of approval, of wisdom or direction into your child’s heart. Throughout ancient history, the patriarch of the family would at some point, impart to their sons, a blessing, sort of like passing on an inheritance. This blessing was so coveted that one young son named Jacob schemed with his mother to steal the blessing from his father that was to be passed on to the older brother Esau. Jacob, a smooth-skinned conniving young man donned goat-skins to make his arms feel hairy so that his father, who was going blind, would feel Jacob’s arms and think that he was blessing Jacob’s older, hairier brother Esau.

So what does blessing your child look like today in the 21st century? Well here’s how it has worked for me. Each morning, I make a point of driving my sons to school rather than having them take the bus. I enjoyed having this brief morning time with them, even though they aren’t particularly talkative in the morning. Before they hop out of the car, I lay my hand on their shoulder and bless them for the day. My blessing isn't just a “Hey, have a nice day.” Nor is it a long-winded prayer. Rather it was an opportunity for me to speak something into and over their lives that I believe is part of God’s purpose and destiny for them. For example, I might say to my son Jason, “Jason, today I bless you with leadership, that you would be the leader I know God has called you to be. That when the opportunity arises, you will stand up for what is right even if that’s not cool or popular, that you will influence others in a positive way, by how you talk, think and act.” I would impart this blessing of leadership because being a leader is something I believe God has shown me that He is calling Jason to be. So, I am agreeing with God about a promise, a direction that I think He has for my son Jason.

I’ve done this daily blessing over the years for each of my sons and I believe it’s had an impact on their lives. I’ve noticed that if we are driving in the car and the radio is on, if we approach the school and I have not given them their blessing yet, they might actually turn the radio off, as if making sure I don’t forget to bless them. Any teenager who turns off the radio for any reason is an act of God anyway. But it shows me that my blessing is important to them. I suspect that as they get older and have kids of their own, they will look back and appreciate the power of my blessing them on a regular basis. Try it and see what happens.

Not Everybody Loves Raymond

Recently I’ve been watching re-runs of the show “Everybody Loves Raymond” which runs on the TBS cable channel here in Orlando. It’s a funny show. And while I enjoy watching it, I find myself getting mad at the TV screen several times throughout an episode. (not a truly rational behavior, I know) Why you ask? Well I guess I get ticked off at what a bad father the character Ray plays. No he's not "bad" in in an axe murderer sort of way. He’s just always avoiding any responsibility to lead his children, set a good example for them and stand up for his family and his wife, against the constant meddling of his mother. I mean, geeze. The show is funny but unfortunately the parenting strategy and values that show puts forth are horrible, even though it’s a reasonably clean show without a lot of trashy sexual innuendo and violent behavior. Then I consider how many other television shows have men with similar characters, where the lead male in the house is basically a dork. Consider Still Standing or King of Queens with Kevin James, (who’s a really funny guy if you ask me). Why do these shows bug me? I guess because I realize how comfortable Hollywood has become at portraying men in a way that “de-masculinizes” them. How are young boys and girls for that matter going to grow up with a clear understanding of how a man should act?

What do I want to see when I talk about portraying a positive male role model in the media? I guess I’m looking for examples of men who act like I want my own sons to act. Men who are strong, courageous, willing to take risks. Men who dream big dreams, who stand up for truth and justice. Men who don’t pick fights but who don’t run from them either. Men who live to not rule over their wives and kids but serve them…and yet while serving them are not afraid to exert leadership an authority in a way that makes a household thrive. Where are these examples in the media, in our culture today?

I think it would be awesome if the media gave us lots of positive examples of strong husbands and fathers. That would be great. And certainly there are some great examples out there. You just have to look for them. But the most critical example of what a strong, godly man looks like needs to come from you and me. As a father, you have to be the ultimate example that your kids want to emulate. Truth is, you are setting an example whether you like it or not. The only questions is whether or not you are setting a good one. You do your job well and the rest of the world can put forth all kinds of trashy examples of what it means to be an excellent father and husband. Your kids can see all sorts of mediocre to poor examples of a dad and it will make the bar you have set for your own life look that much higher. You will be that much more of the hero and standard that your kids will set for themselves. Am I putting too much pressure on you to perform? I don’t think so. I certainly am no superstar of a husband and father, though I hope my wife and kids would beg to differ. Men like a challenge. So before you spend too much time focusing on things like lowering your golf score or winning your Fantasy Football pool, step back and ask yourself if you are being the kind of husband and father that you are capable of being. It will make all the difference in the world to your kids.

Making Your Home a Haven not a Hornet’s Nest

Recently the news media has been all over this poor 22 year old mom, Casey Anthony, who is suspected of having killed her three year old daughter Caylee. She was in jail, then out of jail, back in jail and now out again. I can’t imagine what was going on in that household. I’m certainly not here to judge. I don’t know all the facts. But the whole mess is a sad indication that for so many kids these days, home is no longer a place of safety, a haven where a child can grow up feeling loved and feeling safe, secure and affirmed.

Seems that in our pursuit of the American dream, our clamor for more and more things, we wind up piling on more debt. With that debt comes an overwhelming pressure that cracks and sometimes destroys families. We wind up working longer hours that take away precious moments with our kids. We need to stop, take a deep breath and just listen to them. We need to show genuine interest in them and what they are into. Kids don’t need material “stuff” nearly as much as you think they do. They need time with you. They need to know that they are an important part of what makes your family amazing and special. Don't let them become just a financial burden that you have to bear.

I guarantee that your child will be better off going without an X-Box 360 or a new I-phone if that means having more quality time together as a family. Take some time to play badminton in the back yard or let them learn how to bake cookies with you or help you change the oil in the car. You see, doing things TOGETHER, even simple things like family chores, builds a sense of togetherness, of family, of security and belonging that kids today desperately need. If your home is truly a haven and your relationships are sound, then the pull of peer pressure will be lessened. Of course your children need to spread their social wings and make connections, bonds and friendships outside the home. But if home is a safe place for them. If home is a field of good memories, of caring, of doing things together, oh my, what a huge difference that will make in the heart and psyche of your child. We are seeing a generation of children growing up who have had more material benefits than any previous generation. They are exposed to more opportunity. They have more “stuff”. Yet, so many are emotionally bankrupt, starved for affection and lost. Why? Because home was just a place to go to sleep at night. And in some cases, it was more like a hornet’s nest where the child felt the need to tip-toe through the house not making any waves for fear that a parent, step-parent, live-in or older sibling would suddenly lose their cool and pop off, become emotionally abusive or worse.

I don’t expect us to go back to the days of Andy Griffith and Leave it to Beaver. That’s not reality. But in the midst of our fast-paced, media saturated society where kids are exposed to more and more garbage and bad examples of character at an earlier and earlier age, it is that much more essential that they see a standard at home that is strong, trustworthy, consistent, reliable, loving and safe…a haven of nurturing support that will establish and guide them through their childhood years.

Napkin Notes Can Make Lunchtime a Memory

One of the ways my wife and I try to make daily “deposits” of love and direction into our children’s lives is by writing a little note on the napkin we put inside their lunch bag before they head off to school in the morning. These “napkin notes” are just little inspirational sayings that impart some truth or character that we hope our sons will embrace. For example, “Everything turns out alright in the end so if everything’s not alright, it’s not the end”. Or, “What you do speaks louder than what you say, so DO something nice for someone today.” Often times I make up these sayings but there are loads of books out there that are filled with short, inspirational, spiritual and helpful quotes that you could use to come up with the things you want to say.

An interesting thing happens with these napkin notes. We discovered that the kids who eat lunch with our sons would start reading the notes. Some even asked if they could have one. So for awhile my wife was writing 3-4 notes each morning and putting them in our son’s lunch bag so he had notes to hand out to his friends at the lunch table.

You never know how some of these powerful thoughts and truths shared on a napkin will have an impact our kids. Jason just finished school this year. As he was cleaning out his locker, he noticed that his friend had taken one of his napkin notes, the one that had the quote about everything turning out alright in the end, and taped inside his locker. My wife has noticed napkin note quotes written on book covers and school folders of some of his friends when they come over to study or play a video game after school.

Will any of these kids ever come up to me or my wife and say “Gee Mr. & Mrs. Welday, I was really encouraged and inspired by that note you put on Jason’s napkin last month.”? Not hardly. But I know some of the messages from these notes are getting through. So try it. It’s just one more way you invest in your child, letting them know you care, that they are special and that you see a bright hope and future for them.

Standing Between the Living and the Dead

There’s an amazing story from the book of Numbers, which is the fourth of 66 books that comprise the Bible. In it the children of Israel were murmuring and complaining and the Lord decided He’d had enough and was going to wipe out this ungrateful and stubborn people. As a plague began to spread, Moses, the leader of the band of people instructed his chief priest Aaron to go out into the middle of the people and make a sacrifice to the Lord. There, in the midst of this race of people, where Aaron took his stand, the plague ceased. Aaron literally stood between the living and the dead that day. All who were before Aaron in the throng of people died, over 14,000 of them. All who came after Aaron were spared.

Why do I share this story?. Because I am aware that many of us as parents, especially dads, have the same opportunity to stand between the living and the dead. Recently I’ve had conversations with a couple different men, friends of mine, who were raised by alcoholic, abusive men. Their dads were just not so great at being a good role model and showing their own sons what it means to be a man of honor, strength, character and worth. In fact these men, not only had less than ideal dads, turns out that before them, were generations of fathers who instead of passing on traditions of love, acceptance, forgiveness, passed on their own hurt, fears, inadequacies and insecurities. The abuse and neglect went back several generations. So what did these friends of mine do? Somewhere along the journey of their life, they made a choice to be like Aaron and stand between the living and the dead. They chose to say, “I will break the curse, the tradition of failure that I inherited. And I will begin a new tradition, a tradition of blessing my children, of loving them unconditionally and honoring their worth.” Wow! Maybe you are a dad (or mom) who was not raised by Ozzie and Harriet. Your own childhood was marred and scarred by a less than ideal parent. So what will you do with that loss and pain? Will you pass it on? Why not? Society expects you to. I mean, nobody would blame you for being a dysfunctional parent knowing the dysfunctional childhood you experienced. But thank God that with His help, each of us can make a choice. Each of us can choose to break the generational curse of abuse and neglect and choose to live our lives as an offering to God, standing between the living and the dead, so that our children, and their children, and their children’s children, can inherit a heritage of blessing, love, acceptance, forgiveness and joy.

Being "Present"

There’s a lot of great things about technology…I mean I’m not sure how guys survived before television sets came with a remote control (aka: a clicker). My wife says the most stupid question she ever gets asked at our house is “Where’s the clicker?” “Like I would ever get my hands on that thing living in a house with four testosterone-laden creatures?” she says. And don’t get me started on how cool is the DVR. I’m sure my sons wonder how they managed life before text messaging, Skype and IM-ing. Of course dear old dad is still back in the dark ages sending e-mails all day long. But with all the hype about how the millennial generation can multi-task, you know do homework while playing Xbox 360 while texting friends, there’s a problem. Nobody is really paying attention to each other. We are all tuning in to conversations at some partial level…just enough to get by. It’s like reading the Spark notes to a great novel rather than enjoying the real thing. We are losing the art of “being present”. You know, really tuning in to each other. Listening not just to the words spoken but reading the body language and hearing beyond the words. Having that level of discernment that goes deeper than face value. I think it’s hurting our families. I’m guilty of it. I think I’m listening but then can’t recall five minutes later what was said. Truth be told, I looked like I was listening, but I was really thinking ahead to what I needed to do or say next. I’m not being present with my kids. They know it too. I certainly can tell when they are tuning me out. It’s a bad habit and grown ups and kids are all doing it. What can we do about it? I mean, technology seems to be pushing to live faster, handle more distractions and get more done. But in the end, we are still relationship creatures. We were made to love and to feel deeply. We are designed to respond to one another, be sensitive to one another and to spend time with one another.

So my suggestion is to make the tomorrow to spend just 15 minutes with each child, not thinking about work or chores or dinner but totally focusing on your child. Maybe you’re talking. Maybe you’re doing a puzzle or shooting hoops. But do it together. And do only one thing at a time, not three. Whatever you do together make sure it doesn’t involve something electronic…which rules out movies, television and computer games. Do something where you have to look into your child’s face and give them an occasional squeeze. Be present with them.

Teaching Your Kids to Fail Forward

Everyone fails. Everyone falls off the proverbial horse at one time or another. What makes the difference between having your failures be a positive experience and a negative one has everything to do with how we fail. And how you fail has everything to do with your attitude about failure. If you see failure as a sign of weakness, of inadequacy or incompetence and not measuring up, you will be embarrassed by failure. You’ll resent it and do anything possible to cover it up and avoid admitting to it. On the other hand, if you see failure as a gift, then you are more likely to benefit from your failure. You will fail forward. Failing forward can be a wonderful aspect of our lives. Experiencing failure refines us, teaches us character, helps us gain wisdom and knowledge, increases our endurance and resilience, makes us stronger.

How do we teach these principles to our kids? Good question. I was playing B-ball with my sons over the Memorial Day weekend. I noticed that when Jason made a bad pass or threw up a wild shot, the first thing out of his mouth was to blame his teammate for not being where he was supposed to be to receive the pass or “Why didn’t you grab the rebound”. Hmmm. Not good. Something inside Jason struggles with handling failure. It’s an area I recognize where I need to encourage him and work with him. I don’t have it figured out how best to address this. (I’m open to your suggestions). I’m pretty sure giving him a lecture on how to “fail forward” won’t cut it. I know I need to start by examining my own life. Is Jason picking up something he sees me do? I don’t think so but shame on me if I don’t check to see if there are any logs in my own eyes before I hunt for specks in his. I suspect a better approach to giving him what he calls a “Sunday school lesson” will be to ask questions, see if I can’t find out the attitudes and fears that may fuel how he handles failure. I know the more self-confidence a person has, the more that person knows they are totally and completely loved and accepted by God (and by their parents) the easier it is to embrace failure for the good it can bring. Well, I don’t have all the answers on this one but I recognize the problem and I’m committed to getting involved and not just saying “Oh well, not my problem”. How do you handle failure? More importantly how have you been able to teach your children about the gift of failing forward. I’m happy to learn from you.

What the Media Seems to Get That We Sometimes Miss - Dads

This afternoon I just watched the movie 10,000BC. I know, I know, it’s not the stuff of War and Peace and it’s not likely to win an Oscar. But hey, it’s my kind of movie, the good guys win, bad guys lose and in the end, the guy gets the girl. As the story goes, a young hunter from a small tribe is raised up to lead his people, and several other tribes against a cruel tribe that has been capturing and enslaving the other tribes. This young man’s father was a tribal leader but left the tribe when the young hunter was just a boy. Rumor was that the father was a coward and had abandoned his tribe. In truth however he was a great leader and left for noble reasons. Throughout this young warrior’s life, he was limited, even cursed by the image he held of his father. When the young man came to discover the truth about his dad, that his dad was in fact a noble warrior and leader, the young man was empowered. There was a great line in the movie where an older tribal leader looked the young man in the eye and said, “Go be like your father!”

See, even the movie makers seem to understand the power of a father image. Psychologists, counselors and therapists certainly understand this…heck they make their living off of people who struggle with their own self-image due to the absence of a father or perhaps the presence of a dad growing up that wasn’t there emotionally. Fathers make or break their sons and daughters. At least that is far too often the case. Yet the culture wants to play down the incredible importance of a strong father who is actively involved in his children’s life. No offense to Rosie O’Donnell and other celebs who decide to raise a child without a dad in the picture. But kids need a dad. Certainly there are millions of single moms out there who would give anything to have a dad active in their children’s lives. Our hats and hearts go out to them. But I’m not writing to those who don’t have a dad in the picture as if to somehow make them feel bad. God says He will be a Father to the fatherless. No, I’m writing to dads…as a reminder that you have this amazing opportunity to have that significant, meaningful life you so desire. It doesn’t come from how much money you make or how many people you have reporting to you…It comes from you being there for your kids. It comes from you not giving up on yourself or them. It comes from you being consistent in loving your sons and daughters not just when they bring home “A’s” but when they’re sassy or wreck the family car or fail to pick up their room or strike out even in T-Ball. So go ahead, be the kind of man, the kind of father that people will want to turn to your children and say, “Be like your father.”

Open Another Door-Allowing your child's spirit to soar

I was speaking at a conference recently and ran into a good friend of mine, Jean Thomason. Jean has a particular passion to see parents of preschoolers get the tools they need to effectively raise their little ones. Jean has a delightful character she portrays on a series of CD’s and DVD’s called “Miss Pattycake”. Jean and I were talking and she began to share with me the story of a distraught mom whose child was not sleeping through the night. The little girl kept waking up with bad dreams. It’s not an uncommon situation. My friend shared with the mom, “You know, there is more than one way to reach a child.” Curious, the frantic mom asked what she meant. Jean proceeded to share with her the importance of not only reaching and instructing a child through their mind, their intellect, but also their spirits.

Most often we think about impacting a child by training their minds. The success of Baby Einstein products gives testimony to the eagerness that most parents have to want to educate their children well, to prepare them to succeed in life and reach their potential. Nothing wrong with this of course. However, one of the amazing things about being made in the image of God, which is something unique to human beings, is that there’s more to us that mere flesh and bone. Beyond synaptic nerve endings and electrical stimuli, there is a mystical, magical aspect to our nature. Call it our soul, call it our spirit. Whatever you call it, it’s the part of us that was made to connect with the divine. It’s what makes us truly human. An just as our bodies need to grow and be exercised, our minds need to be challenged and trained, so does our spirit. Anyway, my friend Jean gave this woman one of her lullaby CD’s that she recorded specifically to provide children with a way to encourage their spirits and to draw them closer to the One who is Spirit and who divinely created each of us. Long story short, the woman e-mailed Jean a short while later exclaiming how her daughter hasn’t had a nightmare since and has been sleeping soundly through the night. In training our children, be aware of the importance of training not just their minds but their spirits as well.

The Importance of Tradition

We live in a culture that’s changing at such a rapid pace that emotionally, I’m not sure we are keeping up. More and more, it’s a throw-away society. For example, I found out my stereo receiver, which I just bought a few years ago, is, according to my friend, already “old school” technology. Geeez.

What has this got to do with parenting you ask? I am constantly amazed at how important creating and keeping family traditions are to our kids. This morning I was having coffee with a friend at McDonalds. I noticed a dad having breakfast with his son. It occurred to me that if that dad has breakfast with his son on any kind of a regular basis, he is creating a powerful tradition that will be more meaningful and helpful to that young boy than that father could possibly realize.

Our kids long for and need consistency in their lives. It’s an insecure, unreliable world in which we live. So anything we can do as busy moms and dads to create traditions, memories that our unique to our children’s experience, well that’s powerful stuff.

Over 15 years ago I started a tradition where on Christmas Eve, I would make a tunnel out of cardboard boxes that meandered through the house and ended up in front of the Christmas tree. On Christmas morning the boys would wake up and couldn’t go downstairs to open presents until I gave the all-clear signal. They had to go through the tunnel to get to the tree. It seemed like a fun idea initially. But being a guy, every year the tunnel has to somehow “outdo” last year’s monstrosity. This year the tunnel started out of the upstairs bathroom window, down a box-covered extension ladder, into the back of my oldest son’s Avalanche, around the car, through the garage, past trap-doors and “decoy” tunnels that lead to nowhere, down the back hall, nothing but net…to the Christmas tree. Close to 200 boxes and several hours after the start of the project, the tunnel is complete. Now understand that I have one son out of college, one in college and the youngest is a junior in high school. It’s not like the tunnel is a kid-project any more. But none of my sons want to give up the tunnel creating event. Why? It’s a tradition at our house. It’s something that we share together as a family that nobody else (that we know of) does. Therefore it’s a powerful communicator of my love to my sons, that they are special and that we have something special we share between us. It’s a tradition.


So what traditions can you start? It doesn’t have to be as complex as building a Christmas Eve box tunnel. It can be as simple as Saturday morning breakfast with your child at McDonalds. Don’t discount the importance of making memories, anchored in love through simple traditions you keep with your kids.

An Open Letter to my Son...

My middle son Darren just turned 21 this past week. So we all gathered around his bed early in the morning and did the typical Welday birthday tradition of bringing him Dunkin Donuts and milk to have in bed while we all sing him this goofy birthday song to a tape. Yes, the song is so old it’s on cassette. I think we've been playing that silly song on his birthday since he was about three years old. In addition to presents and well wishes, I wanted to say something to Darren that would hopefully be more meaningful and from my heart. I decided to share part of the letter with you here.

Dear Darren,

Well, it’s your 21st birthday, a great milestone! The world says you are now “officially” an adult, a man. You can drink and drive (just not at the same time), vote, go to war, earn a living, raise a family. Congratulations. As your father, I am so proud of you. From all that I observe, you are conducting yourself with honor and representing with distinction both the Welday name and the name of Christ.

I tried to think of some helpful or insightful words I could offer you that would be meaningful. Being a real man is so much more than being able to reproduce, vote or drink. Being a man is about embracing the purpose that God has for your life, it’s about accepting the responsibility of allowing His Spirit to operate fully inside you, guiding and directing you in the way you are called to go. When you hear the phrase “Man up”, that speaks about accepting the challenge, the responsibility of manhood. The apostle Paul put it this way, “when I became a man, I put away childish things…” Interestingly that Scripture comes from 1 Corinthians 13, the “love chapter” where love is so eloquently defined. In other words, part of being a man is about embracing the ability to love the way God intends, selflessly, courageously, uncompromisingly. Not quite how the culture would define manhood is it? As you mature, you will see more and more how the values and principles you stand for are in conflict from the culture in which you live. The solution in my opinion is not to run and hide…but rather to let your light shine Darren. Burn brightly for Jesus! Live boldly, nobly and be willing to stand out…and stand up for the Truth.

I took the opportunity to look back on the words that I shared with you when we marked the season in your life when you became a man. Remember that ceremony we had for you up in the woods of Maine? As I reread the words I gave you back then I found them still to be true and worthy of remembering. So I’ve added them here in this letter…(click here if you want to read the seven points I shared in the letter).

The Gift of Denial

We all want to bless our children and give them good gifts. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is the gift of saying “no”. Why is it that we hate to tell our children they can’t have something they want? Of course we can say no to a lot of their requests…and sometimes you probably have days where it seems like that’s all you do, is tell your child “no” to this and “no” to that. But it seems to me that we are a generation of parents who are deathly afraid of disappointing our kids. We can’t stand to tell them “no”. Something is amiss. My parents had no trouble telling me no…a lot. And you know what, I still love them. So why is it that parents today have this weird notion that if they deny their kids too many times that they are being bad parents. Some of my greatest character traits have come from learning how to handle disappointment, from learning the gift of “delayed gratification”, of having to work for something I want rather than having it handed to me.

I see it all the time. We’re in the grocery store. A little boy asks for a bag of cookies. The mom says “no”. The child asks again, and again, starts to cry and pitch a fit. And suddenly, instead of being consistent, sticking to her guns and giving the child a slap on the back of the hand, mom caves. Repeat this throughout the week and the child has been taught that “no” doesn’t mean “no”. “No” means, pitch a fit and then win the prize. What happens when that child is 17 at a party with a girl in a bedroom and the girl says “no”. Does no really mean “no”? What happens when the young man is 23, working in an office and asks to take Friday off to go to a concert. The boss says “no”. Does no really mean “no” then? I had a pastor friend tell me “If it were up to us we’d kill our kids.” “What do you mean?” I asked. He said, well, if it were up to us, we’d take all the struggle, the denial out of life and as a result we’d rob them of all the invaluable character building they need to become balanced, positive and effective citizens. I knew exactly what he meant. So moms and dads…please, don’t be shy about saying “no” to your kids. And when you say “no”, don’t back down. Are there times when it’s right to give in. Of course. It’s healthy for kids, especially as they mature and hit adolescence to know that they can make a rational case for their argument and mom or dad can reconsider their initial “no” position. But that’s the exception, not the rule. Don’t be wishy-washy. Don’t deny your kids the gift of denial. Let them grow and mature by learning to handle disappointment. The Bible says let you “no” mean “no” and your “yes” mean “yes”.

What the Media Seems to Get That We Sometimes Miss – Dads Make the Difference!

This afternoon I just watched the movie 10,000BC. I know, I know, it’s not the stuff of War and Peace and it’s not likely to win an Oscar.  But hey, it’s my kind of movie, the good guys win, bad guys lose and in the end, the guy gets the girl.  As the story goes, a young hunter from a small tribe is raised up to lead his people, and several other tribes against a cruel tribe that has been capturing and enslaving the other tribes.  This young man’s father was a tribal leader but left the tribe when the young hunter was just a boy.  Rumor was that the father was a coward and had abandoned his tribe. In truth however he was a great leader and left for noble reasons.  Throughout this young warrior’s life, he was limited, even cursed by the image he held of his father.  When the young man came to discover the truth about his dad, that his dad was in fact a noble warrior and leader, the young man was empowered.  There was a great line in the movie where an older tribal leader looked the young man in the eye and said, “Go be like your father!”

 

See, even the movie makers seem to understand the power of a father image.  Psychologists, counselors and therapists certainly understand this…heck they make their living off of people who struggle with their own self-image due to the absence of a father or perhaps the presence of a dad growing up that wasn’t there emotionally.  Fathers make or break their sons and daughters.  At least that is far too often the case.  Yet the culture wants to play down the incredible importance of a strong father who is actively involved in his children’s life.  No offense to Rosie O’Donnell and other celebs who decide to raise a child without a dad in the picture.  But kids need a dad.  Certainly there are millions of single moms out there who would give anything to have a dad active in their children’s lives. Our hats and hearts go out to them.  But I’m not writing to those who don’t have a dad in the picture as if to somehow make them feel bad.  God says He will be a Father to the fatherless.  No, I’m writing to dads…as a reminder that you have this amazing opportunity to have that significant, meaningful life you so desire.  It doesn’t come from how much money you make or how many people you have reporting to you…It comes from you being there for your kids.  It comes from you not giving up on yourself or them.  It comes from you being consistent in loving your sons and daughters not just when they bring home “A’s” but when they’re sassy or wreck the family car or fail to pick up their room or strike out even in T-Ball.  So go ahead, be the kind of man, the kind of father that people will want to turn to your children and say, “Be like your father.”

Standing Between the Living and the Dead

There’s an amazing story from the book of Numbers, which is the fourth of 66 books that comprise the Bible.  In it the children of Israel were murmuring and complaining and the Lord decided He’d had enough and was going to wipe out this ungrateful and stubborn people.  As a plague began to spread, Moses, the leader of the band of people instructed his chief priest Aaron to go out into the middle of the people and make a sacrifice to the Lord.  There, in the midst of this race of people, where Aaron took his stand, the plague ceased.  Aaron literally stood between the living and the dead that day.  All who were before Aaron in the throng of people died, over 14,000 of them.  All who came after Aaron were spared. 

 

Why do I share this story?.  Because I am aware that many of us as parents, especially dads, have the same opportunity to stand between the living and the dead.  Recently I’ve had conversations with a couple different men, friends of mine, who were raised by alcoholic, abusive men.  Their dads were just not so great at being a good role model and showing their own sons what it means to be a man of honor, strength, character and worth.  In fact these men, not only had less than ideal dads, turns out that before them, were generations of fathers who instead of passing on traditions of love, acceptance, forgiveness, passed on their own hurt, fears, inadequacies and insecurities. The abuse and neglect went back several generations.  So what did these friends of mine do?  Somewhere along the journey of their life, they made a choice to be like Aaron and stand between the living and the dead.  They chose to say, “I will break the curse, the tradition of failure that I inherited.  And I will begin a new tradition, a tradition of blessing my children, of loving them unconditionally and honoring their worth.”  Wow!  Maybe you are a dad (or mom) who was not raised by Ozzie and Harriet.  Your own childhood was marred and scarred by a less than ideal parent.  So what will you do with that loss and pain?  Will you pass it on?  Why not?  Society expects you to.  I mean, nobody would blame you for being a dysfunctional parent knowing the dysfunctional childhood you experienced.  But thank God that with His help, each of us can make a choice.  Each of us can choose to break the generational curse of abuse and neglect and choose to live our lives as an offering to God, standing between the living and the dead, so that our children, and their children, and their children’s children, can inherit a heritage of blessing, love, acceptance, forgiveness and joy.

Legacy - Don’t Trade Away Things That Don’t Fade Away

This past weekend I attended a memorial service for a long-time friend.  The guy was a legend, a pioneer and of the course of his life had amassed a slew of awards, accomplishments and accolades.  I was impressed and if I’m honest, felt like perhaps I wasn’t living up to my potential to be all that I could be.  The competitive nature in me kicks in pretty easily.  Whenever I meet someone who is accomplishing great stuff, it challenges me to ask, am I doing all that I can?  Yet, amidst the service, which was very moving I thought, at least as memorial services go, there was something sad that I noticed.  It seemed to me that the man’s children who were at the service (and not all of them even bothered to come), didn’t see to share in everyone else’s celebration of his life.  I’d like to think it was their grappling with their own sense of loss and grief that held these grown children back.  But I don’t think that was it.

 

As noble and visionary as my friend was, he wasn’t perfect.  And who is?  But throughout much of his younger days, while he was working, pioneering and conquering, he was away from home and probably not investing in the lives of his own children like he could have.  If he were alive today, I think he’d tell you this was probably his greatest regret.  In First Corinthians 13, known as the “love chapter” it says that if I do all these great things, give away lots of money, help lots of people but have not love, I am nothing but a noisy gong or a tinkling cymbal.  Well the parenting corollary to those verses would read something like this: “If I amass a great fortune, and become famous for my contributions to society, if I start ministries and help the homeless, but don’t invest the necessary time and attention in my own children, well, I’ve sacrificed my highest calling on the altar of fame and success.  I am nothing.”  God’s design for us is to embrace our role as His children, receive His love and then pass that love on to and in to our own children.  Start there.  Accomplish that and everything else that you achieve in life is just a bonus!

What Do Missionaries Know That We Don’t?

I’m not sure I know the answer to this question but there must be something.  The other day I was speaking to a new acquaintance who spent years as a missionary.  As I typically do, I asked about his family, his kids.  He proceeded to tell me how each one was doing, how they were making their way in the world.  I admit I was jealous.  Each child was living life with a sense of mission and purpose, making a difference in the world.  This is not the first time I’ve talked to a current or former missionary and discovered that not only are their kids well adjusted, they are thriving. So what gives?  You’d think that kids who are yanked from the security of family and friends and carted off to some strange part of the globe would wind up angry, resentful and somewhat a mess.  Now I’m sure there are some children of missionaries who would identify with this.  But in general it seems to me that missionary kids grow up with a real sense of purpose, solid self-image and are, well healthy.

 

I suspect the answer lies in the simple fact that they grew up in homes (or huts) where they saw their parents living with that sense of mission and purpose and so guess what, they grow up with a similar understanding that they were created by a loving God who has a mission for them.  They live their lives on purpose and for a purpose.  Maybe they don’t have it all figured out…most of us don’t.  But instead of assuming that they are some random being in a random world, they grow up believing that they can accomplish something…that there’s a mission for them to fulfill and they go after it.

 

Living with that sense of mission in purpose is more caught than taught.  So it begs the question, how do you live your life?  What values are you instilling in your kids, not by what you say, but by how you spend your time, what things you make a priority in life.

The Importance of Tradition

We live in a culture that’s changing at such a rapid pace that emotionally, I’m not sure we are keeping up.  More and more, it’s a throw-away society.  For example, I found out my stereo receiver, which I just bought a few years ago, is, according to my friend, already “old school” technology.  Geeez. 

 

What has this got to do with parenting you ask?  I am constantly amazed at how important creating and keeping family traditions are to our kids.  This morning I was having coffee with a friend at McDonalds.  I noticed a dad having breakfast with his son.  It occurred to me that if that dad has breakfast with his son on any kind of a regular basis, he is creating a powerful tradition that will be more meaningful and helpful to that young boy than that father could possibly realize.

 

Our kids long for and need consistency in their lives.  It’s an insecure, unreliable world in which we live.  So anything we can do as busy moms and dads to create traditions, memories that our unique to our children’s experience, well that’s powerful stuff.

 

Over 15 years ago I started a tradition where on Christmas Eve, I would make a tunnel out of cardboard boxes that meandered through the house and ended up in front of the Christmas tree.  On Christmas morning the boys would wake up and couldn’t go downstairs to open presents until I gave the all-clear signal.  They had to go through the tunnel to get to the tree.  It seemed like a fun idea initially.  But being a guy, every year the tunnel has to somehow “outdo” last year’s monstrosity.  This year the tunnel started out of the upstairs bathroom window, down a box-covered  extension ladder, into the back of my oldest son’s Avalanche, around the car, through the garage, past trap-doors and “decoy” tunnels that lead to nowhere, down the back hall, nothing but net…to the Christmas tree.  Close to 200 boxes and several hours after the start of the project, the tunnel is complete.  Now understand that I have one son out of college, one in college and the youngest is a junior in high school.  It’s not like the tunnel is a kid-project any more.  But none of my sons want to give up the tunnel creating event.  Why?  It’s a tradition at our house.  It’s something that we share together as a family that nobody else (that we know of) does.  Therefore it’s a powerful communicator of my love to my sons, that they are special and that we have something special we share between us.  It’s a tradition.

 

So what traditions can you start?  It doesn’t have to be as complex as building a Christmas even box tunnel.  It can be as simple as Saturday morning breakfast with your child at McDonalds.  Don’t discount the importance of making memories, anchored in love through simple traditions you keep with your kids. 

Learn To Be An Internet Spy

These days our kids spend more and more time connecting and communicating on the internet. Between IM (Instant Messaging), E-mails, Text Messaging, FaceBook and MySpace, our kids connect in more ways that we as parents just didn’t have access to when we were kids.  With us it was either face to face or on the phone conversation.  That was it.  But now days, a large percentage of our kid’s conversations from middle school through college transpire in some form or another over the internet.  And since it’s every kid’s mission to divulge as little information to their parents as possible and likewise, it’s every parent’s challenge to find out as much information as possible, if we are to stay “in the know” as proactive moms and dads, we have to become internet sleuths, or in truncated text-speak, IS. 

 

Why is this important?  Well for example, the other day my son tells me that he was at a party at a friend’s house and assured us that the parents were home.  However, in reviewing some of his internet communications we learned that not only were the parents not home but there was alcohol and smoking going on at the party,  Funny, how that didn’t come out in the typical “So how was the party” recap conversation we had with our son.  By being good internet spies we’ve learned certain code words.  When a kids says he needs a “band-aid” that’s code for AL (alcoholic beverage) and if a kids says he’s going to the “weight room” that’s code for a party.  Of course these codes are not universal and so don’t assume if your child says he’s staying after school to go to the weight room to work out that he’s really heading for trouble.  My point is simply this, that as parents we have a responsibility to pay attention to what’s going on in our children’s lives and to not naively assume that everything they tell us is the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God.  All I’m saying is that if you have teenage children in the house, you have a responsibility to be proactive in knowing what’s going on in your son or daughter’s life.  Let them know that being on the internet is a privilege and not a right and you expect them to both be responsible in their actions and communicate with their friends in an honest and proper way.  You should insist on knowing the login password to all their accounts and let them know that you have the right to periodically check their correspondence.  If you find improper language or behavior coming from your son or daughter, don’t stick your head in the sands of denial, deal with it.

Selfish Parenting

I’m reading a wonderful book that was recently recommended to me called “The Shack” by William Young.  It’s a novel about a typical 50-ish man who had a pretty dysfunctional childhood yet managed to come through adulthood in reasonably good shape, married well, had kids.  Then an unthinkable tragedy strikes that sends him into a tailspin.  He winds up having a life-changing encounter with God that’s well, unique.  Anyway, I won’t give up the plot.  But one of many truths I see in this story is how each of us is wounded.  We are damaged goods and our pain causes us to see life and respond to life in certain, unhealthy ways.  The sad fact is that unless we are exceptionally diligent, we bring our pain and dysfunction into our parenting style.  We parent our kids through our pain and as a result, often leave them scarred and hurting as well. 

 

Most of us would never intentionally hurt our kids.  But unfortunately, in our desire to hold on to our hurts, in our fear of pushing past the pain of old scars into wholeness, we selfishly thrust on our kids all sorts of unhealthy and unholy attributes and perspectives.  Seriously, we have to be willing to unselfishly lay down our hurts, get the prayer, the counseling the comfort and help we need, if not to live better ourselves but to be more effective parents.  I’ll never forget that many years ago when Amy and I announced on Christmas morning that we were going to be parents for the first time, my dad, who up until that time had been a chain smoker, responded by saying that by the time his first grandchild was born, he would have given up smoking.  In other words, the unhealthy habit that he was unwilling to give up for himself, he would willingly choose to lay down for his grandchild.  He wanted to be there for him.  That was unselfish parenting, or in this case, grand parenting.  So what are the weights that tend to hold you back?  Why not make the choice to move past your pain if not for yourself, then for your children.

No More Princesses Please

First off, I should qualify this rant by reminding you that I am the father of three boys.  I don’t have girls and assume it’s because God either saw me genetically inferior and had pity on me or just likes me better.  Ask any parent of both boys and girls and they will almost unanimously say that boys are easier to raise.  Having said that, I notice a particular syndrome with dads of girls that I don’t quite get.  They seem determined to raise their daughters to be their little princess.  Mind you, I don’t consider this a good thing. What do I mean by raising a “princess”?  Well it’s a female who seems to posses the combined traits of being rather self-absorbed, having a sense of entitlement and appearing totally helpless in most any situation besides navigating her way around a mall. 

 

How does this happen?  Well it seems to me that this princess syndrome is largely bestowed upon girls by their fathers.  This comes from a well-intentioned desire to take care of and protect their little angel from all danger, distress and harm.  For example, if my son forgets his to pack his lunch as he heads to school, has a flat tire on the way home from soccer practice, gets picked on by a neighborhood hooligan or finds himself in any number of simple life lesson situations, the parent typically takes some version of the “well you got yourself into this, you’ll figure something out” type of response.  But the parent of a princess rushes to her aid every time.  As a result, we see girls set up to fail or be highly frustrated in their dating relationships because, Oh my, not every guy has the understanding that he is to wait on this frail waif hand and foot as her daddy did throughout her growing up years.  Are all females helpless little princesses?  Fortunately no.  And some girls who were raised as princesses manage to grow up into solid, caring mature young women.  But some unfortunately, spend their whole lives in the misguided mindset that the world revolves around them. So parents, and especially dads, if you have a beautiful little cherub who is the center of your world, please don’t handicap them by pampering them to the point that they develop into a “princess”.  I and all the other fathers of boys who may one day fall for your little princess beg you!

TIME - The “Sacred Oil” of Parenting

This morning as I was driving into the office I was on the phone talking to my wife about our son Jason.  I am out of town on business so she was filling me in on the activities at home that I missed.  Last night, coming home from a soccer game, Jason made a passing comment that he was questioning if he was cut out for college.  As a Junior in high school we have started quizzing Jason about what sort of interests and preferences he has about degrees and schools.  As with most boys, Jason doesn’t typically open up and share what he’s really thinking, at least not with his parents.  So whenever we get an insight into something that he’s obviously wrestling with internally, that’s gold.  I made the comment to my wife that I wished Jason would invite me into the questions and issues he wrestles with more easily.  To which my wife commented, “Well, part of the problem is that you’re just not here that much”.  Ouch…didn’t see that one coming.  I quickly protested, but what am I missing? I come to his games, shoot hoops with him on the weekends, watch movies with him. When I am out of town it’s during the week when he’s at school or soccer practice anyway.  She said, “It’s just spending time with him.  It’s the little things, driving him to school in the morning even if he doesn’t say three words.  Honey, you just can’t measure the impact it has when you just spend time with your son.”

 

I guess it’s like the oil in a car’s engine (see, guys have to relate everything to either cars or sports), The oil doesn’t make the care look any better.  It’s certainly not the most expensive component, but without it, the car just doesn’t run right and will quickly break down.  Spending time with your kids is like that.  It’s not flashy.  They won’t talk about it or praise you for doing it, at least not until they are grown.  You don’t usually see any immediate fruit or results from spending time with your kids.  But fail to do it and watch how quickly the lines of communication and relationship break down.  In raising kids, few things have more enduring and  endearing impact and influence on our children than our commitment to spending TIME with them, lots of it!

Stand Up! and Say "No" to Spineless Parenting

An article in the December issue of Advertising Age magazine, outlined a brewing controversy over McDonald's paying for the printing of Seminole County Florida's report cards in exchange for the report cards featuring a coupon for a free Happy Meal to any child who has all A's and B's and no more than two absences. As you might expect, some parents are up in arms over this saying that this makes them the "bad guy" if they refuse their child when they gleefully bring home a good report card and now expect to be treated to a Happy Meal.

I certainly understand their concern given the health crisis of so many children eating poorly, being overweight and undernourished. I also think the whole idea is pretty clever marketing on McDonald's part. Whether you are for or against McDonald's advertising on public school report cards is not the point I want to address. What this article points out is that parents aren't stepping up to the plate in terms of directing their kid's choices and having the backbone to explain their perspective. I mean, if I don't want my kids to eat a Happy Meal, it's not the end of the world to have to tell them that. They'll survive. Why not use the issue as an opportunity to explain the importance of good nutrition, about taking care of our bodies and any other number of talking/training points. Of course I would also say that if you feed your children a healthy diet at home, they will survive an occasional Happy Meal as well.

Bottom line, children need to grow up into adults who stand for something, who have convictions and who are willing to live by those convictions and say "no" to things (whether it's fatty foods, sex before marriage, cheating...) that don't line up with those convictions. How will they learn to do that unless it was modeled for them at home? So moms and dads, have some backbone...stand your ground for the things that you believe in. Our culture is going to constantly throw opportunities and options at you and your family that you don't like or accept. It's vital that you train your children by example to be able to stand up for something.

Congratulations…You’re a Parent!

OK, so maybe there are days you don't feel like celebrating. But despite how overwhelmed, inadequate, confident, prepared or insecure you may feel about being a parent, there's no getting out of it!

Through the entries of this blog I hope we can learn from each other, encourage each other and perhaps gain some direction, vision or insight that will help us be more effective parents. I started a non-profit organization called Next Generation Institute specifically to encourage, envision and support today's too-busy, overwhelmed and sometimes frazzled moms and dads. I encourage you to check out the website. There are loads of free articles and information on there and more will be added as we go along.

So join the dialog. Let me know what are the issues where you struggle the most, and be willing to share your triumphs and successes as well. They just might be a life-saver for someone else. Together on the journey...