The Importance of Tradition

We live in a culture that’s changing at such a rapid pace that emotionally, I’m not sure we are keeping up. More and more, it’s a throw-away society. For example, I found out my stereo receiver, which I just bought a few years ago, is, according to my friend, already “old school” technology. Geeez.

What has this got to do with parenting you ask? I am constantly amazed at how important creating and keeping family traditions are to our kids. This morning I was having coffee with a friend at McDonalds. I noticed a dad having breakfast with his son. It occurred to me that if that dad has breakfast with his son on any kind of a regular basis, he is creating a powerful tradition that will be more meaningful and helpful to that young boy than that father could possibly realize.

Our kids long for and need consistency in their lives. It’s an insecure, unreliable world in which we live. So anything we can do as busy moms and dads to create traditions, memories that our unique to our children’s experience, well that’s powerful stuff.

Over 15 years ago I started a tradition where on Christmas Eve, I would make a tunnel out of cardboard boxes that meandered through the house and ended up in front of the Christmas tree. On Christmas morning the boys would wake up and couldn’t go downstairs to open presents until I gave the all-clear signal. They had to go through the tunnel to get to the tree. It seemed like a fun idea initially. But being a guy, every year the tunnel has to somehow “outdo” last year’s monstrosity. This year the tunnel started out of the upstairs bathroom window, down a box-covered extension ladder, into the back of my oldest son’s Avalanche, around the car, through the garage, past trap-doors and “decoy” tunnels that lead to nowhere, down the back hall, nothing but net…to the Christmas tree. Close to 200 boxes and several hours after the start of the project, the tunnel is complete. Now understand that I have one son out of college, one in college and the youngest is a junior in high school. It’s not like the tunnel is a kid-project any more. But none of my sons want to give up the tunnel creating event. Why? It’s a tradition at our house. It’s something that we share together as a family that nobody else (that we know of) does. Therefore it’s a powerful communicator of my love to my sons, that they are special and that we have something special we share between us. It’s a tradition.


So what traditions can you start? It doesn’t have to be as complex as building a Christmas Eve box tunnel. It can be as simple as Saturday morning breakfast with your child at McDonalds. Don’t discount the importance of making memories, anchored in love through simple traditions you keep with your kids.

An Open Letter to my Son...

My middle son Darren just turned 21 this past week. So we all gathered around his bed early in the morning and did the typical Welday birthday tradition of bringing him Dunkin Donuts and milk to have in bed while we all sing him this goofy birthday song to a tape. Yes, the song is so old it’s on cassette. I think we've been playing that silly song on his birthday since he was about three years old. In addition to presents and well wishes, I wanted to say something to Darren that would hopefully be more meaningful and from my heart. I decided to share part of the letter with you here.

Dear Darren,

Well, it’s your 21st birthday, a great milestone! The world says you are now “officially” an adult, a man. You can drink and drive (just not at the same time), vote, go to war, earn a living, raise a family. Congratulations. As your father, I am so proud of you. From all that I observe, you are conducting yourself with honor and representing with distinction both the Welday name and the name of Christ.

I tried to think of some helpful or insightful words I could offer you that would be meaningful. Being a real man is so much more than being able to reproduce, vote or drink. Being a man is about embracing the purpose that God has for your life, it’s about accepting the responsibility of allowing His Spirit to operate fully inside you, guiding and directing you in the way you are called to go. When you hear the phrase “Man up”, that speaks about accepting the challenge, the responsibility of manhood. The apostle Paul put it this way, “when I became a man, I put away childish things…” Interestingly that Scripture comes from 1 Corinthians 13, the “love chapter” where love is so eloquently defined. In other words, part of being a man is about embracing the ability to love the way God intends, selflessly, courageously, uncompromisingly. Not quite how the culture would define manhood is it? As you mature, you will see more and more how the values and principles you stand for are in conflict from the culture in which you live. The solution in my opinion is not to run and hide…but rather to let your light shine Darren. Burn brightly for Jesus! Live boldly, nobly and be willing to stand out…and stand up for the Truth.

I took the opportunity to look back on the words that I shared with you when we marked the season in your life when you became a man. Remember that ceremony we had for you up in the woods of Maine? As I reread the words I gave you back then I found them still to be true and worthy of remembering. So I’ve added them here in this letter…(click here if you want to read the seven points I shared in the letter).

The Gift of Denial

We all want to bless our children and give them good gifts. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is the gift of saying “no”. Why is it that we hate to tell our children they can’t have something they want? Of course we can say no to a lot of their requests…and sometimes you probably have days where it seems like that’s all you do, is tell your child “no” to this and “no” to that. But it seems to me that we are a generation of parents who are deathly afraid of disappointing our kids. We can’t stand to tell them “no”. Something is amiss. My parents had no trouble telling me no…a lot. And you know what, I still love them. So why is it that parents today have this weird notion that if they deny their kids too many times that they are being bad parents. Some of my greatest character traits have come from learning how to handle disappointment, from learning the gift of “delayed gratification”, of having to work for something I want rather than having it handed to me.

I see it all the time. We’re in the grocery store. A little boy asks for a bag of cookies. The mom says “no”. The child asks again, and again, starts to cry and pitch a fit. And suddenly, instead of being consistent, sticking to her guns and giving the child a slap on the back of the hand, mom caves. Repeat this throughout the week and the child has been taught that “no” doesn’t mean “no”. “No” means, pitch a fit and then win the prize. What happens when that child is 17 at a party with a girl in a bedroom and the girl says “no”. Does no really mean “no”? What happens when the young man is 23, working in an office and asks to take Friday off to go to a concert. The boss says “no”. Does no really mean “no” then? I had a pastor friend tell me “If it were up to us we’d kill our kids.” “What do you mean?” I asked. He said, well, if it were up to us, we’d take all the struggle, the denial out of life and as a result we’d rob them of all the invaluable character building they need to become balanced, positive and effective citizens. I knew exactly what he meant. So moms and dads…please, don’t be shy about saying “no” to your kids. And when you say “no”, don’t back down. Are there times when it’s right to give in. Of course. It’s healthy for kids, especially as they mature and hit adolescence to know that they can make a rational case for their argument and mom or dad can reconsider their initial “no” position. But that’s the exception, not the rule. Don’t be wishy-washy. Don’t deny your kids the gift of denial. Let them grow and mature by learning to handle disappointment. The Bible says let you “no” mean “no” and your “yes” mean “yes”.

What the Media Seems to Get That We Sometimes Miss – Dads Make the Difference!

This afternoon I just watched the movie 10,000BC. I know, I know, it’s not the stuff of War and Peace and it’s not likely to win an Oscar.  But hey, it’s my kind of movie, the good guys win, bad guys lose and in the end, the guy gets the girl.  As the story goes, a young hunter from a small tribe is raised up to lead his people, and several other tribes against a cruel tribe that has been capturing and enslaving the other tribes.  This young man’s father was a tribal leader but left the tribe when the young hunter was just a boy.  Rumor was that the father was a coward and had abandoned his tribe. In truth however he was a great leader and left for noble reasons.  Throughout this young warrior’s life, he was limited, even cursed by the image he held of his father.  When the young man came to discover the truth about his dad, that his dad was in fact a noble warrior and leader, the young man was empowered.  There was a great line in the movie where an older tribal leader looked the young man in the eye and said, “Go be like your father!”

 

See, even the movie makers seem to understand the power of a father image.  Psychologists, counselors and therapists certainly understand this…heck they make their living off of people who struggle with their own self-image due to the absence of a father or perhaps the presence of a dad growing up that wasn’t there emotionally.  Fathers make or break their sons and daughters.  At least that is far too often the case.  Yet the culture wants to play down the incredible importance of a strong father who is actively involved in his children’s life.  No offense to Rosie O’Donnell and other celebs who decide to raise a child without a dad in the picture.  But kids need a dad.  Certainly there are millions of single moms out there who would give anything to have a dad active in their children’s lives. Our hats and hearts go out to them.  But I’m not writing to those who don’t have a dad in the picture as if to somehow make them feel bad.  God says He will be a Father to the fatherless.  No, I’m writing to dads…as a reminder that you have this amazing opportunity to have that significant, meaningful life you so desire.  It doesn’t come from how much money you make or how many people you have reporting to you…It comes from you being there for your kids.  It comes from you not giving up on yourself or them.  It comes from you being consistent in loving your sons and daughters not just when they bring home “A’s” but when they’re sassy or wreck the family car or fail to pick up their room or strike out even in T-Ball.  So go ahead, be the kind of man, the kind of father that people will want to turn to your children and say, “Be like your father.”

Standing Between the Living and the Dead

There’s an amazing story from the book of Numbers, which is the fourth of 66 books that comprise the Bible.  In it the children of Israel were murmuring and complaining and the Lord decided He’d had enough and was going to wipe out this ungrateful and stubborn people.  As a plague began to spread, Moses, the leader of the band of people instructed his chief priest Aaron to go out into the middle of the people and make a sacrifice to the Lord.  There, in the midst of this race of people, where Aaron took his stand, the plague ceased.  Aaron literally stood between the living and the dead that day.  All who were before Aaron in the throng of people died, over 14,000 of them.  All who came after Aaron were spared. 

 

Why do I share this story?.  Because I am aware that many of us as parents, especially dads, have the same opportunity to stand between the living and the dead.  Recently I’ve had conversations with a couple different men, friends of mine, who were raised by alcoholic, abusive men.  Their dads were just not so great at being a good role model and showing their own sons what it means to be a man of honor, strength, character and worth.  In fact these men, not only had less than ideal dads, turns out that before them, were generations of fathers who instead of passing on traditions of love, acceptance, forgiveness, passed on their own hurt, fears, inadequacies and insecurities. The abuse and neglect went back several generations.  So what did these friends of mine do?  Somewhere along the journey of their life, they made a choice to be like Aaron and stand between the living and the dead.  They chose to say, “I will break the curse, the tradition of failure that I inherited.  And I will begin a new tradition, a tradition of blessing my children, of loving them unconditionally and honoring their worth.”  Wow!  Maybe you are a dad (or mom) who was not raised by Ozzie and Harriet.  Your own childhood was marred and scarred by a less than ideal parent.  So what will you do with that loss and pain?  Will you pass it on?  Why not?  Society expects you to.  I mean, nobody would blame you for being a dysfunctional parent knowing the dysfunctional childhood you experienced.  But thank God that with His help, each of us can make a choice.  Each of us can choose to break the generational curse of abuse and neglect and choose to live our lives as an offering to God, standing between the living and the dead, so that our children, and their children, and their children’s children, can inherit a heritage of blessing, love, acceptance, forgiveness and joy.