The Gift of Denial

We all want to bless our children and give them good gifts. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is the gift of saying “no”. Why is it that we hate to tell our children they can’t have something they want? Of course we can say no to a lot of their requests…and sometimes you probably have days where it seems like that’s all you do, is tell your child “no” to this and “no” to that. But it seems to me that we are a generation of parents who are deathly afraid of disappointing our kids. We can’t stand to tell them “no”. Something is amiss. My parents had no trouble telling me no…a lot. And you know what, I still love them. So why is it that parents today have this weird notion that if they deny their kids too many times that they are being bad parents. Some of my greatest character traits have come from learning how to handle disappointment, from learning the gift of “delayed gratification”, of having to work for something I want rather than having it handed to me.

I see it all the time. We’re in the grocery store. A little boy asks for a bag of cookies. The mom says “no”. The child asks again, and again, starts to cry and pitch a fit. And suddenly, instead of being consistent, sticking to her guns and giving the child a slap on the back of the hand, mom caves. Repeat this throughout the week and the child has been taught that “no” doesn’t mean “no”. “No” means, pitch a fit and then win the prize. What happens when that child is 17 at a party with a girl in a bedroom and the girl says “no”. Does no really mean “no”? What happens when the young man is 23, working in an office and asks to take Friday off to go to a concert. The boss says “no”. Does no really mean “no” then? I had a pastor friend tell me “If it were up to us we’d kill our kids.” “What do you mean?” I asked. He said, well, if it were up to us, we’d take all the struggle, the denial out of life and as a result we’d rob them of all the invaluable character building they need to become balanced, positive and effective citizens. I knew exactly what he meant. So moms and dads…please, don’t be shy about saying “no” to your kids. And when you say “no”, don’t back down. Are there times when it’s right to give in. Of course. It’s healthy for kids, especially as they mature and hit adolescence to know that they can make a rational case for their argument and mom or dad can reconsider their initial “no” position. But that’s the exception, not the rule. Don’t be wishy-washy. Don’t deny your kids the gift of denial. Let them grow and mature by learning to handle disappointment. The Bible says let you “no” mean “no” and your “yes” mean “yes”.